Coaching conversations give you a high - try it you might like it

Lost in Tokyo we had just arrived and were dragging suitcases around the streets trying to follow Google Maps and just couldn't figure out which way to go to get to the hotel.  

Not an unfamiliar situation for tourists to find themselves in but after a long journey we were tired and irritable, just wanting to find our new temporary home.  

Then a stranger walks up and asked where we were trying to get to, and pointed the way. Then he went one step further and took us to our hotel.  If you've been to Tokyo you know what a busy city it is with thousands of workers commuting as well as the many tourists.  He was clearly on his way to a meeting but he took the time to help a stranger. How amazing is that!

We were happy to have found our destination and he was happy to have helped someone.  How does that translate to the workplace when we need to help people navigate their way, they might be lost and confused or things haven't gone to plan?

The following scenario may be familiar to you, either as the employee Joe or as the manager in this situation, Jac.

Jac knows they are going to have to have a difficult conversation with a member of their team about what went wrong on a project, but they don't have time right now, but still need to speak to them today, so they say 'Joe I need to speak to you after lunch in my office if that's okay?'.  

Now what's going through Joe's mind? They are thinking about all the things Jac might want to talk to them about, what have they done wrong, could it be A or B, they start to play the conversation through their head. What they are not doing is concentrating on their work, they will waste the next few hours worrying and becoming stressed. They can't eat lunch and start to get a headache and feel sick. This is because they have gone into the Fight, Flight or Freeze mode but because there is no immediate resolution the effect on their body is prolonged and builds up.  

When Jac finally sit down with Joe who is sweating and uncooperative, Jac asks Joe to explain what happened with a particular piece of work on the project. Joe stutters and mumbles but essentially isn't able to say what happened. This reinforces Jac’s view that Joe isn't performing and takes Jac one step closer to getting Joe off the team. 

But what's happening for Joe? When in Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF) mode the Amygdala takes over from our Prefrontal Cortex (the thinking part of our brain), adrenaline is rushing through our body taking oxygen away from our head into our body and essentially Joe can no longer think straight never mind answer any questions you put to them. When they walk away and have calmed down they go over in their mind all the things Jac asked them and is able to give an answer to every one of them. In this scenario Joe has Frozen, however you may have experienced other reactions like being defensive and arguing about who’s fault it was (fight) or saying nothing apart from agreeing and going off sick the next day (flight).

If we now look at an alternative approach, a coaching conversation, we can keep Joe from going into the FFF mode and have a far more positive conversation. Starting at the beginning Jac calls Joe into their office and says 'Joe, I'm aware that something didn't quite go to plan with this recent project and I'd like us to spend some time reviewing that, so could you pull together your information so we can go through it after lunch and see if we can find out how to improve the next time we have that on a project please?'. Now Joe still has some anxiety because they know it's a review of their performance but the FFF mode hasn’t activated and their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is still in control plus they have something constructive to do with the couple of hours before the meeting. Reviewing all the data and most importantly starting to do some thinking themselves on what could have been done differently. 

So when Jac sits down with Joe, there might be some anxiety there, but the Prefrontal Cortex is in charge ensuring that logical thinking is ruling the brain. Jac asks Joe what they found and what their thinking so far is on the project and how things could have been done differently. By asking probing and open questions Jac can guide Joe through the problem with the benefit of Sac’s experience until they discover a different way of doing things that could improve Joe’s performance and the outcome for the project and team. Then comes the important bit, both agree a course of action, with a time line so immediately the change has been committed to and Joe’s reality is now different. It’s important for Jac to ask 'what can I do to help you make this happen?' listen, then follow through. 

There is an extra benefit to this approach, and that is the brain rewards us for solving problems with a hit of dopamine (a feel good drug). As you both helped solve the problem you both are rewarded! You get that high.

So next time you need to have a difficult conversation put yourself in that persons shoes and think about how you can make it a positive experience for both of you and keep focused on the improvement outcome that will be best for everyone.

If you have performance reviews coming up or have managers who need some support and training having difficult conversations then please contact me and ask about the different programmes I have to support managers and employees have performance conversations. 

Sarah Bass, Impactful Leadership 0453 360 507